Music is life...

I can not explain how much music means to me...every song I hear can take me back in an instant to a particular time and place...some may be good places and others may be places that I never want to visit again as long as I live...

For instance, I Saw God Today-George Straight...came out right when my little boy was born...though he was not the little girl described in the song, he was God! He was my little miracle...no one on this earth knows how lost I was and how far away from God I was...I was a walking dead man...at any moment approaching my grave...far, far, from God.

My little boy saved me...God knew what he was doing when He placed certain people in my life to stick by my side no matter what...though almost everyone that had ever "prayed" with me was no longer around...I still had my God walking with me...

My favorite poem is Footprints...for a period of over a year...God carried me because I was no longer following Him...He had my hand...He was carrying me and He was with me at every bar I went to...He was behind the scenes at the bars...He even brought people into my life at the bars...little did those individuals know...God was using them in a mighty way...My eyes were opened to the "real" world...what goes on behind closed doors...the days of no sleep...going to work still dressed in the clothes I wore the night before with no sleep...not caring for a thing in the world...except when I would be able to enter my "happy" place again...it took it's toll rather quickly...and it approached faster than I ever knew it would...I was there...I was to the point in my life where something had to be done and quick...He brought me to a point in life where he provided me an angel on Earth...my little boy, Kendall.

I would like to say that very day, March 25, 2008 I changed my life and gave everything to God...that I lived everyday devoted to Him...thanking Him for saving my life...but I didn't...and i struggle daily trying to get back to Him...

So, back to my subject...I like to think that since God knows how much I love country music He allows the perfect song to play at just the right time...

On my way to work last week, Hello World came on the radio...

Traffic cars, cell phone calls, top video screams at me
Through my tender window I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands
And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna healI see a light, little hole in the little girl
Well, hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church
It's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in and say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there
Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's thereWell, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world
Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again
I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world, hello world

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world, hello world, hello world

I'm sure I had tears rolling down my face as I pictured myself walking thru my front door...though I don't have my husband or a little girl...I have my angel...my little boy...and I remember why I am here...My front door...my heart...God's knocking...and right now my little boy is my purpose...I no longer have an empty heart because God has allowed a little boy to fill it with joy that words will never describe...He is my life...he is my world...

Now, to get to the last paragraph of that song...to surrender all and truly believe that God will and has provided and will continue to provide for me and my little one...

When I am able to fall to the floor...on my knees...on my face before God...I will be here...

HELLO WORLD...I will say...how've ya been?? Good to see ya again!

O how I love country music....

A Chapter in my Life...

I try to journal thing that happen daily in my life because I like to look back...and thank God for some "unanswered" prayers...or I like to see how at just the right time God stepped in and provided for me...

There are so many things in my life I question...I don't like to believe in coincidences...I believe that God ordains your time and place daily...I know that we can walk away from the will of God though as well...There are so many things that have happened over the last several years of my life I believe were truly God...even though I had walked away from Him...He still had His hand on me and someone was praying for me since my faith had been so weak...

There are days when I feel on top of the world...and then there are days when I think that I have gone too far and won't ever get back what I had with God.

I can not pray like I was once able to pray...I have no words...my heart is hard to certain things...but when certain topics are discussed my heart aches...my emotions run wild...and I can not contain my tears...

I love stories of those that have overcome...those that have been thru the storm...those that thought were too far or those that had been condemned by man...but set free by God!!! When I hear stories of those that God rescued at the lowest point in their life...and then they speak of the journey they made with God to get them to a specific place in their life...when you can do nothing but raise your hands and praise God because only God can set anyone free!

I try to press in...I don't know where to begin or how to get my relationship back with God...but I want nothing more than to be walking down the path that He has chosen for me...

I read in Proverbs tonight about a name...what's in a name...I grew up with a name that many knew...my grandfather as well as my father had been well known around Northeast LA.  I could use my name to open doors that otherwise would have never been open on my own.  My name was respected...A name is something to be proud of...it's where you came from...it's who you are...some names don't come with much honor and children have to overcome that during their childhood...

However...we are all children of God...our name is Him.  It's our responsibility to bring His name honor...the world is watching those that call themselves children of God...what will we do with our name...We will leave a positive impression or will we tarnish the name of Jesus Christ?

Birthdays...birthdays and more birthdays!

I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!! ANYONE'S AND EVERYONE'S BIRTHDAY!!

He was sharing with his Mommy!! This is my baby's 1st birthday!

I THINK BIRTHDAYS ARE SPECIAL...MY FAMILY HAS ALWAYS GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND ON MAKING THE BIRTHDAY PERSON FEEL SPECIAL!

I plan his parties a year in advance...I already know that he is going to have a "Kendall is 4-Score" birthday party and have a baseball theme...or he is going to have an Alien 4 birthday...or a Monster Party...

His 1st birthday theme was Kendall Bug

His little friends were able to decorate a bug box and they used their name to name the bug box and their finger prints to make the bugs!

I have to admit that this has been my favorite party so far...



My friend made this...I think it was PERFECT!

His 2nd party was BUCKS, DUCKS AND TRUCKS...

I do not have pictures from that party on my computer but it was very cute...the cake was a little expensive for a 2 year old's birthday...but I wanted something different...it was 3 tiers...bucks (used deer horns) ducks (used duck feathers) and trucks (had a Ford truck on the top of the cake)

So...this year is KOWBOY KENDALL!

I have already made his invitations and they came out adorable!

I ordered the favors yesterday...

But, I am trying to find him a cute outfit for the party...I don't want him to dress up as a cowboy instead I want him to have a cute cowboy/western/vintage shirt...with some stylish jeans that are boot cut...but no one makes fashionable boy clothes!

I also ordered some personalized M & M's with his picture on them...I hope they are as cute as I have them pictured!

My best friend is also getting married prior to my little boy's party...what an exciting day that will be!!!

I spent hours yesterday trying to get everything ordered for his birthday! I do not like to stress so I want to have everything in advance! I am so excited about his birthday this year!! (except the fact he's growing up too quick!)

I thank God for my little boy...I have been blessed!

Bringing back memories...except this time...I have faith...

Well...my little pumpkin is in the hospital...we are not sure what is wrong with him at this point but almost 2 years ago to this day...we were in the same hospital...two rooms down...but 2 years ago...I was at the lowest point in my life...I had never ever felt so alone...and so lost...I had no faith...I had no one by my side...it was me...and my baby who wasn't even a year old...

I can not put into words how lonely I felt...when the only person I wanted by my side...could not be by my side...and at that point...I could not pray...I had no faith...

But this time...I am not alone...I have surrounded myself by friends and family...and let God back into my life! I am able to trust Him that He is going to take care of my little boy...and even though I'm alone...I'm not really alone...because I know that God is with me!

More update soon...

Be That Spark...

Wow... so many thoughts running thru my head right now... I just watched a tribute to a man I've known my entire life... the man that ordained my brother into ministry... a man I used to think was my brother because in the churches we grew up in...we called everyone brother or sister...

What a tribute...what a man of God and what an impact he has had on so many... souls have been one because of this man...

One of the last statements he said I wrote down...I played the video clip back and forth until I got it right...

He said...

Be the spark that gives LIFE to someone else who's struggling...someone that is hurting - who has no hope in the world...who sees no end to their plight...who has no one to encourage them...Be that friend...but be that SPARK!

He was that...he was a spark...he said he didn't want to be big...he wanted to see others succeed! My dad always taught me that if you help someone else get what they want...you will get what you want.

He didn't mean materialistic things...but treasures...heavenly treasures...ever lasting treasures...

When I competed in Miss LA my platform was Building a Better You... I spoke to young people and I spoke to older people... One thing I would always say...if I could change just one persons life...then I have accomplished my goal! I want to help others... I love helping others...

I know so many people in my life right now that I wish could see themselves thru my eyes...but not only thru my eyes but God's! One person in particular comes to mind...I know that if WHEN God gets a hold of this person... man lives will be changed... God can use those that the world condemns... those that the world has written off... that many see as worthless... those that are called a waste... those that are lost... those that have been thru it all... those that have been before an earthly judge and been convicted a "criminal" the rest of their lives... God can use them... in a powerful way... they will become a spark to those that are lost... those that can not see the light at the end of the tunnel... those who are merely living life with no purpose...

It was an honor to watch this tribute and to hear this man speak of his passion for Christ as he lives his last days here on this earth...

After watching the tribute, it wasn't very hard to get caught in the "I wonder"...

I wonder what people would say about me... I wonder if I have changed any ones life... (for the good)  I know I have changed many lives for the bad... but at one point in my life I had a calling... I know that God still has that calling on my life but I haven't found it... I never knew what it was and I walked away from Him and I struggle daily to get back to Him... I wonder sometimes if I ever will...

This man knows his last days... he was able to spend time with his family... he was able to give hugs to those that have been with him over the past several years as he journeyed his life and built churches for the kingdom of God... He was able to share valuable lessons he has learned thru out life... He knows...

Everyone doesn't get that in life... we don't know our last day... He doesn't know his exact day but he knows it's near... Life can get the best of us sometimes and we can act out... what if we acted out and then we were taken from this earth... we wouldn't have the opportunity to tell those we love how much they mean to us... we wouldn't have the hugs... the emotions... the laughter recalling great memories... we would have the last act we performed before we were taken from this earth.

I try so hard to be kind... to treat others the way I want to be treated but at times it's hard for me... I have been tough my entire life and my friend finally brought it to my attention that maybe I am so tough because I am protecting my very tender heart... and the more I thought about it, the more I began to see what she was saying... I act "mean" "tough" or say hurtful things because I am protecting my heart because it is so tender... those that know me know that I I don't cry... and if I cry... some thing is very wrong or I am very hurt... or extremely mad...

It doesn't take much these days to make me cry... I honestly didn't think one could shed this many tears...

But tonight... I was reminded by someone I have much respect for... someone that has had tremendous impact on my family... that we need to be a SPARK!

I start tonight... by talking with someone that I haven't spoken to in a very long time... I will fall on my face before my God and cry out to Him to come and rescue me and use me as He had intended years ago before I walked away from Him...

I pray that anyone that reads this finds that spark in them... and is able to be the spark in someone else's life...

Tonight...this Godly man was the spark that I needed...

I know that my redeemer lives...

Be that Spark!

I AM WHO I AM...

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY THOUGHTS...

This has absolutely nothing to do with the Super Bowl...it just happens to be Super Bowl Sunday!

I was having problems with my washer today...and I'm sure it's something I could have easily fixed! But I wasn't about to "jack" with something and tear it up beyond repair.  It had a small leak from the backside...I knew it needed to be tightened...nothing major!

And then it started...if I had my "Mr. Fix It" here...I wouldn't have any worries but since "Mr. Fix It" is not here, I have to resort to finding someone to come and help me...if they will...or pay an appliance person to come out and look at something so small...and charge me no less than $100. 

I text my friend who has been thru a lot of what I have...and I told her these are the times I miss "him".  Her response was, "that's normal".  I know that these things are normal...somewhat insignificant to the major things in life...I know this...but sometimes the little things add up and end up being something BIG.  Sort of like a snowball effect (and as I'm tying this I hear the toilet flush...my two year old had an elf and deer in the toilet trying to flush them) YIKES!

As I was texting my friend I told her that God is going to bless us...He's going to send us the Godly man we deserve...my friend and I actually worshipped at the same church years ago...we were "on fire" for God...and in my opinion...we both slowly let the "little" things in our lives and Satan had a field day with our lives.

I then started thinking (and texting) that God is I AM.  GOD SAYS:  I AM YOUR HEALER...I AM YOUR PROVIDER...I AM YOUR SHELTER...I AM YOUR ALL...I AM YOUR FATHER...I AM YOUR PEACE...I AM YOUR JOY...I AM YOUR FUTURE...I AM YOUR HEART...I AM YOUR EYES...I AM YOUR EARS...I AM YOUR FEET...I AM YOUR SON...I AM YOUR DAUGHTER...I AM YOUR LOVER...I AM YOUR DELIVERER...I AM EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED ME TO BE.

Whatever it is that we need at this point in our life...HE IS!

I know someone with cancer:  God says I AM YOUR HEALER!

I know someone that is an addict:  God says I AM YOUR DELIVERER!

I know someone who is struggling financially:  God says I AM YOUR PROVIDER!

I know someone who has lost their family:  God says I AM YOUR FAMILY!

I know someone who has lost their job:  God says I AM YOUR BOSS!

I know someone who thinks they have gone too far:  God says I AM YOUR FORGIVER!

I know someone who is lost:  God says I AM YOUR SALVATION!

I know someone who is all of the above:  God says I AM YOUR ALL!

HE IS...HE WAS...

I AM!

I AM A CHILD OF GOD!

I AM FREE!

I AM HEALED!

I AM SAVED!

I AM FORGIVEN!

I AM BLESSED!

I AM HAPPY!

I AM LOVED!

I AM HIS!

Whatever it is I need...whatever it is you need...whatever anyone needs...

GOD IS!!!!

Gossip...

We all find ourselves at some point...entering into gossip...

During the past 3 years I have realized that the verse Proverbs 26:20 is very true.

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.

Day after day...I would find that individuals were constantly talking about me, the father of my child or my little boy...some was hate...most was false...and it stirred up so much day after day...

I realized that if these individuals would quit with their pointing fingers and throwing stones then maybe the ones that they were beating to death with their words would actually be able to hold their head up...and fight to overcome their past...

I learned that some don't want to end the gossip...they feed off the destruction of others lives...even innocent lives...I can not stand for individuals to "gossip" over the internet...they can't talk to another person face to face or find out if what they are reading is true.

I had people ask me why I didn't get more involved...well for the most part, because I knew it was false information and I didn't want to stoop to their level.  I'm able to hold my head high because I am confident in who I am...If God is for us, then no one can be against us!

I know that thru all of this people have watched my actions and how I handled certain things, people, etc.  I could easily have gossip to feed everyone with...if they really wanted the answers...I could post them for the world to see...if they wanted the truth I could post more for the world to see...

But what I want is to be SEEN...no heard! I want people to see God working in my life...I want them to see that you can overcome without trying to get back at those individuals who hurt you and try to beat you down to nothing.

God's word says those without sin...cast the first stone!!! All those that continued to bad mouth me and those that I loved...didn't know but I could have put them in their place with one post...about everyone of them!  But see, that's why people like to look at others faults or wrongs because they want to take the focus of their lifestyles!!

I love when God proves His people strong!! God is faithful...and there is no need to "fight" with those that are of this world!!

.....

On a different note...

We could have worn shorts yesterday...and tomorrow it could sleet!!! What!!??!!

Welcome to crazy town!