Nothing Ming Boggling...

It was a beautiful day today...sunshine and warm weather...but mother nature thinks she may bring hail or sleet tomorrow...welcome to Louisiana!

Well, it's the end of the first month of a new year! So much has changed since this time last year...SO MUCH! I pray this time next year I am able to see more of God's picture...I know He is guiding me at this time but I'm still so confused with certain issues in my life. It's been a great month though for the most part.  There has been some tears and some hurtful hard decisions I have had to make but it was for the best.

I pray that at the end of February I am able to say that I am drawing closer to God...that I am able to pray again...that I am more involved in church again...living again, laughing again...and enjoying every minute of my life!

My mind has so many thoughts running thru it at this time there is not enough space or time to even begin to start explaining everything...

If anyone reads this, please pray for me.  Pray that I am able to find myslef again...to find my God and to seek Him with all my heart! Leaving no room for satan to move in...but to give my ALL to the one that holds it all in HIS hands!

Next month is February...I consider it the month of LOVE.  I did not enjoy this holiday for the longest part of my life...but even if I'm alone I now enjoy this day!!!

I get knocked down...but I get up again...you're never gonna keep me down!

He sings the songs that remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the better times

I'm not sure why this song was in my head this morning but for some reason...it was! It reminded me of the past few years of my life...I got knocked down...time after time after time...but I got back up again...and again and again...

I didn't know how many times I could do it and had it not been for my little boy (and My Rock)...I probably wouldn't have gotten back up.

Sometimes I got knocked down harder than the previous time...and it hurt...very pretty bad! But, I would look in my little boys BIG BROWN eyes and remember my promise to him...I WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU KENDALL!! MOMMY PROMISES THAT TO YOU!

That's what my loving Savior was trying to tell me all along...I will always take care of you...my promises never fail!!! They are always true!

I will not get knocked down again...hopefully later rather than now...but I trust in God to help me get back up...to remain faithful to Him!

LP

What a great ending to a wonderful day!!!!!!

My little boy and I are now proud oweners of a Nissan Murano!!!! We are so excited...

But the most exciting thing about today happened about 10 minutes ago...my little boy poo poo in the potty by himself for the first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You Give & Take Away...

I can't begin to explain what I lost (or what God perhaps took away) this past year...I lost my home...I lost my truck (the motor blew)

I was so blessed in August of 2010 to move into our new home...just me and my little man...Our family was broken but God was restoring us.  My motor blew before we had our home but thankfully my little boy's daddy allowed us to use his truck for 6 months while he attempted to fix mine. Well, I guess six months was too long for him because he came and got his truck from my work leaving me with no vehicle...and no way to leave work to get my little boy from daycare...

Well, my goal for January was to start looking for vehicles...I guess God was telling me it's time to shift gears...

I was so upset...not because I didn't have a ride but because the father of my little boy (the man I gave my heart to) would leave us in the conditions he did. It hurt...I had anger...and sadness...and hate fill my heart once again. I had to remember that God wouldn't allow me and my little one to walk the streets.

My dad left me with his vehicle and I started looking for something to buy.  At this time, I have a 2006 Nissan Murano parked in my carport (of my new home)  It's not mine but if we can get the price right and if carfax doesn't show anything major...then it will be mine and my pumpkins!

I lost so much...some things I probably don't even know about...but God is good!!! God is reminding me how He takes care of those He loves and those that seek Him!!!! He has never failed me...EVER...even when I walked away from Him!!!

God is good...this year is going to be full of many surprises! I know that my life is going to change forever...for the good...this year!!!!

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say. Lord, Blessed be your name

Time...you never get back...

I don't think I pay much attention to what I wrote about yesterday but today I just really starting to think about time...my little boy is about to be 3!!! I missed so much of his life trying to "save" his daddy...and lost something very precious!!!!

Last night before bed, I went in his room and he was playing on his bed...he looked up at me with his big brown eyes and said with the sweetest most sincere voice...you wanna play with me?

Oh my gosh! Of course...but I get lost watching him play...his innocence! It amazes me...this time I should cherish...take it in for all it's worth...I could stare at him all day, when he sleeps...I prefer not to so I can watch him sleep...I can't get over that this little boy is my little boy...I'm his mommy and his daddy and at times it's overwhelming...but then I realized that this is it...I don't get a redo...I (mommy and daddy) have to "bow up" and know that I will never regret spending time with my little boy...I will never regret singing and dancing with him...I will never regret sleeping in mommy's bed with him...I will never regret teaching him how to raise his hands to praise Jesus...I will never regret the little moments when he may mess up and say I'm sowie mommy...The only thing I could regret is never spending time with him!!!

That's with life...with those you love...you don't get moments back...make the most of every minute...

I read somewhere years ago something that I will never forget...So many people wish for Friday's...but as they are wishing...they are wishing their life away because of the moments they are missing Monday thru Friday...each day is what you make it...every day can be a Friday...Your choice!

Time...how do you spend it?

Staying true to your word...

I can read devotionals all day long...I can send encouraging emails, text, etc.  I can also send ugly text, emails, etc.

I can talk about prayer...I can read my bible...but one thing I can't seem to do is pray!!! I haven't been able to pray in a long long time.  I don't know what it is that is keeping me from entering in to God's presence.  One of one time with my Lord and Savior!!! The relationship is lacking on my end!!

I pray that starting from this point forward...I can remember what it's like to have that intimate time with God!

Starting here...starting now!!!

January...nearing the end...

Wow, this year has been wonderful but this week has been a tough week.  I know that God is going to provide for me...I know that God will not let me do without...I know that God is going to help me raise my little boy as I try to be mommy and daddy to him.

I have been able to be in God's house twice during the week and I can not wait until church tomorrow.  I have not been to church on Sunday since 2011.  I am expecting a powerful word from God tomorrow!!!

Today is also my wonderful brother's birthday...and tomorrow we will get to celebrate as a family...everyone together on the Payne side and I can not wait.

I love my family and there is never a moment when we are together that we do not make memories that will never be forgotten!!!

We also went test driving trucks today...at this moment I do not have a working vehicle...my caddy motor is blown and the truck I was driving was taken from me while I was at work...but thank God that my dad has allowed me to use his truck while I look for a new one.

So, if by chance you read this...we could use some prayers!!

I can not wait to update my Sunday!!!

Be blessed...

Trying to see God's Picture...

Well, today the only means of transportation I had was taken from me by the father of my child.  The one who hasn't cared for my little boy...the one who walked out on my little boy...the one who hasn't see my little boy in 6 months (his choice)...left me at work with no ride...took the only car seat I had...no way to get my little boy from daycare...I was VERY mad...but then I remembered one of my goals I set this month...

To start looking for a vehicle...I had already scheduled to have my taxes done next week while I am off work...so, I believe God is helping me reach my goal...just a little quicker than I had planned...

It's so easy to want to get back at "him" because of all the hurtful things he has done to me and most of all to my little boy.  My little boy doesn't really know what all has gone on and I thank God for that...

I just have to learn to trust God...let go of what I want to do and ask myself what would Jesus do...how would he react...and pursue everything after I have prayed about all!

I want to document everything that I go thru daily because I want to look back a year from now and be able to see what God protected me from...and the blessings that came ONCE I let go and gave all to Him.

I am looking forward to this amazing year...I am still believing and trusting that better things have yet to come!!!!

In Jesus Name...

I'm Moving Forward...

I don't know if I should be so open or not but I know that some day I will be able to share my story...to it's fullest...without hiding anything.

I only share few experiences that seem to control me daily...For example, the past...the good times...times that I will never get back and times that I will never have...I think about that daily...I try not to focus on the past because there is nothing I can do about the past...the good the bad...it's there to stay.

I realize and know that I will not move forward if I keep living in the past...to move forward...we must leg go of our past...I can focus so much on the things that I lost...my family...my love...the father of my little boy...and my best friend...I can't get the time I have missed back...no matter how hard I pray...no matter how much I long for some past experiences or memories...I will never get them back...no matter what...

But what I can do is make new memories...realize what I have before me and realize the new life...the new experiences I will be able to live out to their fullest...once I let go of my past! I'm not looking back...I'm moving forward! Let go of the past...it's like a bungee cord....it will let you move forward...but in an instant, it can jerk you back...and leave you in a deeper darker valley than ever before...

My favorite verse is found in Philippians...

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

You can always look back to see where you came from...or to remember good memories...but remember the main focus is forward...to continue to become all that Christ has called us to be!!!

Sharing my heart...

One day I believe that my story is going to help someone...it doesn't matter if it's even one person...I want to help anyone who has been or is currently in my shoes.

It's an empty feeling...the unknown...wondering if you are going to get a call that the one you love is no longer here...I have been thru the mourning process emotionally of losing the one that had my heart...and there isn't a day that I don't think of getting the phone call that I dread...

But when I think of the possibility of losing the one I love...I remember that my God is all powerful...He is all knowing...He is all mighty!!! God's word says the prayers of a righteous man avails much...Years ago my brother decided to go back to his old lifestyle...my bestfriend...the one I confided in...the one that I prayed with...was lost...all I could do was pray...I prayed all night and all day...I was on my face before God asking Him to please protect my brother...to keep Him safe...to open His eyes and bring him back to the life He had chosen for him...My brother stayed drunk for almost 30 days straight...I missed school...events...things in my life so I could earnestly pray for my brother...one night I was at a church service and I saw my brother (not literally) but being held by Jesus.  My brother had actually decided to head to Brownsville (where a revival had broken out) and that's where he was when I saw him being held in the arms of our loving Savior...I cried...I wept...I was joyous and I knew that my brother was going to be alright...After I left the church service I got a call from my brother...at the time I saw him being held by Jesus...he truly was. He got baptized that night and turned his life around.

I would like to say that from that point on my brother never looked back but he did...both of us did...this time instead of praying together as brother and sister...we partied together...but you know what has never left my thoughts...this time when my brother was lost...he told me he couldn't feel my prayers...I have never forgotten that and never will...

God hears our cries...He hears our hearts...as we earnestly pray...as we believe and trust in Him...with no doubt...when we trust in Him...there is power! Power in prayer!!!

Never cease to pray!!!!

Words can't explain...

With all of my followers I have...1 and I don't think they even read this...

I think all the time how much I love the father of my little boy and how much he has hurt me.  Daily...I hurt...daily I miss what was taken from me from him...memories I will never get back...my family I no longer have...the daddy my little boy no longer has...how could he do this to someone who stuck by him thru thick and thin...thru the good and bad...and mostly when every one turned their backs...after all the emotional heartache...he seems to continue to find a way to hurt me...but more it hurts me for my little boy...

But then I remember my heavenly father...and how I chose to walk away from Him...after He had given me so much...life...peace...joy...salvation...grace...mercy...promises. ..I continually took small steps that eventually led me away from God and steps that took me to a very dark and lonely place...my heart grew cold...My feelings were numb...I couldn't be phased...But my faithful father never left me...He was holding my hand as I was trying to lead Him with me to the unknown...instead of letting Him lead me into the unknown...I would rather follow Jesus into the unknown...than lead myself into the unknown...God will always remind you of Him! His ways are best...He sees the big pictures...He knows our hearts and our deepest desires...He will never leave us or forsake us....

God is good...I will not walk backwards...I place my hand in His and He leads me on this new journey...praying I find that awesome powerful presence of God once again...

Child Like Faith

I can sit and watch my little boy as he sits and watches Elmo as if it's the most important thing on the Earth...He concentrates so hard as he puts his toys in the bathtub because that is SO important!! His innocence...He thinks his life is perfect...he knows nothing but that his life is perfect! He believes that when Mommy kisses his bobo's they really get better...Mommy will keep him safe from anything...When I pull up in the carport and step out of the truck to open our carport door...as he is strapped inside the truck in his carseat...he doesn't worry...because he trust and knows mommy will be right back...mommy will never leave Kendall...whatever Mommy says is the truth because of his innocence...Mommy knows best...childlike faith...

That's what God's word says...we are to have faith like a child...because kids believe and trust nothing but what they see...innocence! It's such an amazing thing to watch in a child's life and at times it is crushing because one day they will learn...they will learn of lies...they will learn of evil...they will learn that not everyone believes what he does...

No wonder kids can see things we can't...they believe...they have faith in what they have been taught! Kids can see things we can't because we have been open to the world...if we can just be like a child and know and trust in our God as our kids trust in us...if we can have faith in God...knowing that he will make our "bobos" better as soon as His hand touches our lives...He will keep us safe no matter what! God is truth...God stands on His word...His promises will always be fulfilled in our lives...when we have child like Faith...and know our daddy...our savior...will be with us always!!!!

Watch a child...watch the little things in their daily lives that can change the way you think!!

Be open to God!

What an amazing weekend it has been...

So far, 2011 has been fabulous!!! I had a fun filled weekend with quality time spent with my little one.  I worked until late Friday and came home for some arts and crafts!!!

Spent Saturday getting my hair cut and my little boys hair cut...his first in a salon!!! What a big boy!!! I then went wedding dress shopping with one of my best friends...she looked like a princess!!!!

I also went to spend some time with a dear friend of mine who has been thru some of the pain that I have over the past several years.  It's always good to share with someone who has been in your shoes because my story isn't the easiest for some to understand...

Today my little one and I spent time indoors...hoping for snow but we only got ice! I cleaned up his room and took down our Christmas decorations...for some reason that made me sad! I love Christmas!!!

This week is going to be amazing...I claim that and I speak that over my life and over those I love!!!

This is our year!!!! Greater things have yet to come...and greater things are still to be done here!!!

(oh, and I discovered pandora...and Kari Jobe...SIMPLY AMAZING!!!)

Living again...

It feels so good to be able to smile...to really smile...life has been pretty rough the past several years but when I look back...I see my blessings! I have a healthy...beautiful baby boy!!!! He is my life...he is my all!!! I have my health...I finally have a job that I enjoy...helping people!! I absolutely love it!!!


This is my sweet boy...he will be 3!!!



That was our first family picture...

I am expecting great things this year...for me...for my little boy...and for my family!!! I am relying on God...my savior and my Rock!!!

I know I will be able to look back at everything on this blog and see God's fingerprints...see Him guiding me!!!!

Stay tuned...it's gonna be a wonderful year!!!!!!

2011 is here!!!

A New Life...

2010...is over! What a year it has been.  I am believing in greater things this year! I expect more...more love, more peace, more stability, more faith, more wisdom, more quality time with my little boy...

Counting my blessings one by one...my life, my little boy's life...my family and a peaceful home!!!

God is good...Believe this is your year!!!