Goals...

I've always been taught to set goals.  I started setting smalls monthly goals last year but also set some long term goals.  Nothing that will impact my life in a major way but goals that I think would be fun.

Last year I set a few goals:

Finish my bathroom (check)
Get vehicle (check)

Vacation (check)








Quality time with Kendall (could do better)
Focus on my job-promotion (got a small raise but could do better)
Walk w/ God (I did commit once again to walk w/ God this past summer and have not had one sip of alcohol since)
Be more positive (could definitely be better)
Get Involved (I am part of a Cystic Fibrosis event this coming April but need to be more involved)

This next year I would like to:

Get a promotion
Get more involved with my church
Plan more than one vacation
Gain more wisdom along w/ my walk w/ God
Put together parts of B.A.B.Y (Building a Better You) something to help kids or even young adults achieve a dream
Exercise (not just because I need to take better care of myself but I enjoy working out)
Attend church regularly
Read my Bible on a daily basis
Learn to be happy during all circumstances
Do something special with Kendall
Find my family (I guess that's out of my hands)
Go back to school (online for my Masters)

Those are a few goals for this coming year. 

I hope anyone who reads this finds themselves setting goals to better themselves for 2012! It's never too late...Find fresh faith...a fresh start...new friends...new places to go...

I AM...

Tell Them I AM Has Sent Me to You (Ex. 3:13,14)
I don't know why this verse came to mind tonight.  I don't know if anyone even reads this but it's here for me to reflect on and share my heart.

I have been dealing with the fact that my little boy's daddy is away for now.  My little boy wants to know where his daddy is but I just don't know what to tell him at this point.  But, I am trusting and asking God to give me wisdom in everything.  For HIS will to prevail.  Not my will or any one's will but God's.  I have seen God move in the past week...even this very day! There are people that are with my little boy's daddy right now that I have known for years.  It breaks my heart to know that God had delivered them and set them free only to see them fall back in to the same sin that that held them down.  But a song came to mine a moment ago...a thousand times I fall still I'm caught in your grace...everlasting...YOUR light will shine when all else fades!

Who am I to judge someone?  I myself walked away from my Savior! But His grace was there to redeem me...to set me free from my sin that was slowly killing me.  A sin that could have killed me or my little boy.  I AM  delivered! God has taken desires from me that I was not able to let go of on my own! He has set me free!! My chains are gone!

Now the part about I AM...

I was thinking about those in jail during this holiday season. What brought them there?  These are desperate souls searching for something or someone to fulfill their desires.  They are seeking joy.  They are seeking love.  They are seeking acceptance.  They are seeking a father or a mother.  They are seeking something to remove their guilt.  They are looking for something to numb their hurt.  Everyone in there has a story...but my story is I AM! God said to tell them I AM sent you...but they asked who is I AM?

Well let me just tell you about I AM...

God said...

I AM...your healer!
I AM...your savior!
I AM...your father!
I AM...your deliverer!
I AM...the final judge!
I AM...joy!
I AM...peace!
I AM...mercy!
I AM...a forgiver!
I AM...always with you!
I AM...all you need!
I AM...life!
I AM ...love!
I AM...grace!
I AM...power!
I AM...compassionate!
I AM...a refuge!

I could go on and on and on...but HE IS able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ever think, imagine or ask for! He is GOD! There is nothing that HE can't do!!! Addictions can be broken!!! Lives can be changed by the GREAT I AM!!!

What do you do...

What do you do when your little boy wants to know where his daddy is when he is in jail?  My little boy rarely ask but when he does, what am I supposed to tell him?  He is only 3 years old. 

I know that God is going to move powerfully in the life of my little boy's daddy.  He is a good man with a big heart.  He does not know my God and the power that he has within him if only he would allow God to take control. 

I pray for anyone that comes across this site to please lift my little boy's daddy up in prayers.  I pray for everyone involved during this time that God would pour out His peace and comfort.  Only God is able to comfort at this time.  We don't have answers but we serve a mighty God that has all the answers!

I can't wait to turn this blog around into a mighty testimony of the healing power of our God.  Healing over addictions that destroy lives!! God has a plan...and it's going to be unveiled for His glory!

Energy...

Where does it go?? I don't sleep well so I know that is part of it but I cannot make myself get up early...I want to get up and exercise but I will sleep for 2 more minutes if it means I get to "sleep" a little longer...I mean does 20 minutes really make a difference in sleep?

I have so many goals but nothing gets accomplished because I never have energy...I literally "slept" all Sunday from exhaustion.  My little 3 year old entertained himself all day and that's not fair to him.

On a positive note...I found a life group at church and I am so excited to get involved with my church family again!

Snags are good!

Kendall had his first dentist appointment today...I was a little confused why he was so scared because I have never told him anything about a dentist.  To my knowledge, he had never seen anything on tv or heard anyone talk about the dentist.

Well, we made it back to the room and he pointed to the bowl and said "what's this"?  I told him that is the bowl that he spits in when he finishes getting his teeth brushed.  He then said, "like nemo"? Ah!!! It hit me then that he was scared of the dentist because of the movie Nemo!

Who wouldn't be scared of the dentist after watching this scene!! But, he survived and the dentist said his teeth were PERFECT!!!

He said to keep doing whatever we were doing!!!

I love hearing that...I was a little nervous because we both have a sweet tooth!!

No Left Turn

So I had just sent out my morning text yesterday say claiming that it WAS going to be another FABULOUS DAY!

I'm at the end of the bridge about 3 minutes until 8 o clock.  I will be on time...well I would have been on time.  I even took a short cut at the end of the bridge where it clearly stated on a sign...NO LEFT HAND TURN! Well, I did it any way.  I know...such a rebel!

And as soon as I did...I notice this cute little cop car.  I think to myself...really??

I park my truck knowing that the cop has already gotten out of his cop car...and I just act like I'm going to get my stuff and walk towards my work...oh no...Mr. Popo says can I see your license?? I look at him and say "you've got to be kidding me?" He says...well no.  So I before I get my license I told him I had to call my work before I got fired...so I called my supervisor and told her that I was in the parking lot however I would be late because I was standing next to a cop because I took a left at the bride.  Well, he then asks me for my insurance cards...Well being that I grew up with an insurance agent dad...of course I would have my cards...or not!!!

So I call my insurance company (my uncle) and GUESS WHAT? Their computers are down...he said so you have no cards...I said exactly! As he was getting someone to run my plates I found my cards...he looked at my license and my insurance card and THANK GOD ...he said he was going to let me off with a warning!!!

Well, at 8:05 I was at my desk...TICKET FREE...

see, it was another FABULOUS DAY!!!

Pointless blog...yes, but so news worthy!

Randomness...

Text - I'm obsessed with text messaging!

I send out text messages almost every morning to my friends to encourage them and today my text said that's it's going to be a great day-expect nothing less!!

Well, what a great day it has been...

God came thru for me financially...

I got my computer guru friend to "FIND" my pictures that had disappeared

and I was surprised to receive a call from a friend that she is bringing over one of these...

How awesome is that??

I was going to post about cooking and more not-so-important topics but then my little boy came up to me and asked me to cut something off his toe nail and as I was getting my toe nail clippers out I just stared at him...in awe of him...in awe of how much I love him...I can not put into words how much this little boy means to me...I don't think the word love can be defined but I really think my heart smiles when I see him...I want to do everything within me to raise him as a child of God and to protect him to make sure that he never gets hurt.  He is my heart...my life...and the reason I wake every morning with a smile on my face...God has blessed me beyond measure and I thank Him every single day for a beautiful, healthy baby boy!! When His scripture states...ask and you shall receive...I literally got what I wanted...a boy!!

Thank you Jesus for your perfect little miracle in my life!!

Now to set goals for tomorrow---

#1. to get up early and read my Bible

#2. to utilize my new "bike"

I think that's enough goals for the day and then church tomorrow night!!

Just another manic Monday...

Well, I actually didn't have a manic Monday...

Nothing exciting happened today but my computer has absolutely none of my pictures on it any more!!

System restore did not work!!!

More to come when I can find my pictures...God is good...all the time!!

He is always on time...right on time!! I put my trust in Him and claim victory in Jesus name over those that I love-God is going to move in a mighty way! I cannot wait to see His works revealed!

More than half way there...and a question!

Wow...this year has flown by too fast!! I can not believe that it's August and we are close to school starting and FOOTBALL!!  Though I don't have a little football player yet, I love watching it!

 That's my little football star!

Food for Thought

This past Wednesday at church, our service was lead by the youth! Wow, it felt like old times!! God's presence was like a fog...you could not help but feel it whether you wanted to or not! The worship was lead by the youth and it was genuine! They wanted to let God lead them instead of entertaining the "crowd".  The youth pastor spoke and played a video of an atheist-Penn Jillette.  He is a well-known comedian and after one of his shows, he was approached by a christian.  He told the story and seemed as if he was almost moved to tears.  He said this guy was real.  He was honest.  He was sincere and this guy spoke of his faith.  He was reaching out to a vocal atheist because of the God he believes in and wanted to share.  The atheist stated that he had no respect for Christians that did not proselytize (spread the good word of what we believe-basically) He asked the question-How much do you have to hate someone not to share with them about your faith?  If there truly is a heaven and hell, how much do we have to hate someone not to tell them about our God and His saving grace?  He blogged a video blog after his show...I recommend everyone to youtube it.

Wow!!! Powerful words...it was a great service that I needed! I had a rough 24 hours but thank God that I can put all of my trust in God and know that all things will work for the good!

I put my trust in Him!!

Where Do I Go From Here...

I went to New Orleans this past weekend to see one of my beautiful friends marry the man of her dreams.  It was truly what a girl would dream of and plan her entire life.

This past weekend brought me back to my family that I no longer have...I haven't been able to say "I do" to the one I gave my heart to and I wasn't able to be there with my "family" as I watched one of my best friends dance with her daddy...or dance with her husband for the first time.

It made me think of everything that I "lost" because of ones choice to live a lifestyle of sin (drugs).  It tore thru my life like Hurricane Katrina.  I lost everything I had...I lost the man I loved and my best friend, I lost the father of my little boy, I lost my family, I lost my home, I lost my truck, and I about lost my mind.  In the midst of everything I lost my faith because I never saw anything getting better.  I wanted to see the man I loved healed of his addiction.  I know that God can heal him but nothing changed.  Things got worse...and here I am today...without my love and alone.

But TODAY...I have a home, a vehicle, a good job, a healthy baby boy to come home to every single day, a healthy baby boy to wake up to every single morning, I am gaining my faith daily, I have seen God's hand thru all of this...I know that His hand is on the father of my little boy and I know that God has big plans for him as well.

I know that I will be able to help those that are going thru the same things I went thru...and only can someone truly "understand" what you are going thru if they have been their themselves.  I wouldn't want anyone to walk in the shoes I have walked in the past 4 years...but I keep those shoes as a reminder as to the life I endured because I walked away from God.  But, I put on new shoes...shoes that are going to guide me and help me live my life for God...

I will get my life back...I will get my faith back...and I will live a life out loud for God!!!

This little boy has my heart!!!!

Give me fuel... give me fire...

Nothing motivates me more than someone "adding fuel" to my life.  I know I should have something more to motivate me but I like to prove people wrong.  I like people to "think the worst" and then me "show them the best".  I have many goals to prove to not only myself but to those who think that I will never make it.

#1.  Get involved in church again.
#2.  Start working out and enter a fitness competition.
#3.  Find a way to move up at my job.
#4.  Manage my finances better.
#5.  Be positive no matter what and don't let my faith decrease no matter what comes my way!

God is good all the time...all the time God is good!!

I BELIEVE and SPEAK great things to come very soon!

One week...

It has been one week since I started "trying" to eat healthier!  It has not been easy and I haven't done that great!!

I have done a few workouts, if you can even call them that...but I am determined that I am going to live a healthier life and I am going to stay focused!!

Day 6...

I have decided to begin eating healthy...and working out a little.  I was obsessed with working-out at one point in my life.  I could work out hours and never get "tired" of it.  I liked the way it made me feel...it made me more energetic...it made me feel better about my appearance...it also made me feel "strong" because I worked out with heavier weights.

Well, I didn't intentionally give up working out but my gym closed down...I had a baby...and the gym I have a membership at now is across the river and the "nursery" closes at 7 pm.  That's pushing it for me to leave my work...head across the river to pick up Kendall...back across the river to workout...and then head back across the river to go home.

So, I have slowly started "working-out" at home.  And by slowly...I mean slowly...I started Day 1 with calves...and then day 2 I added abs!! I have also added a few legs in the mix but I'm still taking baby steps. 

My little boy (he's 3) is taking my before and after pictures.  I will post them weekly, if I see any change, because I haven't really stuck to my "diet" and I think my healthy food just makes me hungrier!!!

Hopefully, I will be able to get back in shape...The pictures to the left is my motivation!  That was in 2005...let's see what I can do in 2011!

Happy 4th of July...Freedom!

This 4th of July I realize what freedom really means for so many...not just to be free in the United States but to truly be free! Their are so many people held back from truly living life freely because they are in chains...chains of addiction...chains of feeling as if they aren't good enough...chains from their past...chains from a relationship...chains from running from the life God has for them...chains of being confined in a cell...chains...chains...chains...

I remember years ago I was on a church trip...I can't remember exactly what church I was with at the time but the speaker that night spoke about chains and what we have been holding onto or something that has been keeping us from moving forward.  I had been struggling with a boyfriend that I truly did love but I knew that it was never going to work out between us; however, I could not let go.  After the speaker was done, we were giving actual chains.  These chains represented what was holding us down...my chain was a guy.  I was able to physically cut that chain...that chain now was broken in two.  I was free...or so I thought.  It wasn't that easy...I still have issues with that particular "chain" this very day but I also have those chains in my Bible...to remember what I asked God to deliver me from.  I should have a bag full of chains that I have asked God to deliver me from...but I actually only have this one chain as a reminder!

But in Christ, we are able to be free! We are able to live a life free from our past...from our bad decisions...from our chains!  Freedom Freedom Freedom...is found in God only!!

Happy 4th of July to all!!!

My life...my heart...my love...

My little boy melts my heart everyday around 5:15 pm.  I hurry down the hall and to the elevator down 7 stories...walk fast to my truck and haul tail to my little boy's daycare.

For the past few weeks, I walk thru this hallway to find my little boy on his bike.  Everyday I sneak up on him so I can watch him in action.  I won't say anything and if the other kids don't tell on me...he will slowly realize that his mommy is there to pick him up.  And at that moment he stops everything...almost falling over his bike, he gets off and runs screaming Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!

He runs to me with arms open wide and I scoop my little buttercup into my arms for a nice tight hug!!!

He brought me into his room and showed me his cubby.  He said K is for what? I said, I don't know what is K for and he responds with confidence...K is for me!!

Oh, how I will miss this days...the country song says it best...you're gonna miss this!

He is barely over 3 and I already know that I will miss these days...these little moments!!! I cherish them each day...and realize that God has truly blessed me with a little boy that will forever steal his mommy's heart!

The Great I Am!!!

Just when you think that you are stuck...and going no where...God opens your eyes or takes the blinders off your eyes to see Him for who He is and what He is...the Great I Am!

Father's Day this year was tough...I am now the father and mother to my little boy while the father of my little boy is away in a place he needs to be.  I know and believe with all my heart that God will use everything that has happened in my life as a testimony to glorify Him and his marvelous ways! As I look back over the past 4 years of my life, I am able to see God's hand always holding my mine...I may have been pulling back but He never let go...I know God has a great plan for me as well as my little boy...I even believe that He has great plans for my little boys daddy.  I know what God is capable of and I will pray until the day that I die for miracles!

One of the statements that stood out on Sunday morning was that it's never too late! I used that statement when I was competing for Miss LA for the first time but also for the last time because of my age.  I had a dream and almost missed my chance at attempting my dream...but this statement had new meaning this past Sunday.  The father of my little boy is not the youngest...he has kids...but he is not where he can be with them...and those words it's never too late struck me...  It's never too late to turn it over to God...it's never too late to show your children that you love them and that He is all powerful.  It's never too late to give your soul to the one and only...to the Great I Am...The Great I Am...is...he was...and he is to come!  I had lost faith 2 years ago when my little boy was in PICU...I was all alone...I wasn't able to hold my baby and the father of my child wasn't able to hold me...it was me...and me alone.  I was hard...I was cold...I read my Bible but I couldn't pray.  It was the darkest place I have ever been in...ever!  I would go in to hold my little boy and watch him as he breathed in and out...eyes closed...never opened for 8 days.  Out cold...bruised with scratches on his little face but in the arms of my Almighty God...I still could not pray...all I could do was stare at the little life that actually saved mine...and I couldn't pray...though I was hard, I cried and cried and cried because that is the scariest place to ever be...but this Sunday I was reminded of my powerful God! The Great I Am!!!

The mountains shake before Him
The demons run and flee
At the mention of the name
King of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
He is the Great I Am!!!! He holds the power to all!!! He is the Great I Am...the power over addiction...the power over those bound by the chains of the devil...the power to give peace to those that have been abandoned...the power to break strongholds...the power to mend broken homes...broken marriages...broken relationships for all! The Great I Am...

He is THE GREAT I AM...and I'm thankful for the reminder from that one song...that gave me fresh faith!

So Thankful...

I have had so many emotions rushing thru me the past few weeks...sadness...joy...peace...excitement...happiness...fear...worry...heartache...but I'm grateful for where I am at this stage of my life.

This time last year I did not have a home for me and my little boy...I did not have a vehicle this time last year because my motor was blown...and the father of my little boy was in and out of our lives...

I knew that God would take care of me and Kendall.  I knew that He would provide for me if I would let go and let God...it was one of the most difficult decisions in my life...I had to make a decision to be without material goods in order to break away from the one that God wanted me to break away from...I had to let go of the one I gave my heart to...I had peace beyond understanding but heartache like none I have ever experienced.  I had someone tell me before that your heart and mind are two different organs... and I never thought about love in that aspect but it is so true!

God has since given me confirmation on my decision on several occasions...though I do not know where Kendall and I will end up as far as our little family...I know that my decision has allowed God to bless me in many areas of my life.

I have seen destruction all around...I have seen the horrific storms affect so many different cultures...from the flooding to the tornadoes...there are thousands that were left with nothing...lives were lost...memories were forever washed away...childhood pictures or belongings that can never be replaced were gone in the blink of an eye...

We take for granted the "little" things in life on a daily basis...I cannot fathom losing my home or my personal belongings due to mother nature...I was flooded out of my home 3 times in one year but my personal belongings were safe.  My house was built so that the flood water was far beneath my home.  Though I did not have "my" bed or "my" bathroom...I still had a house to go back to once the water went down...I still had memories to cherish from moments that had passed...

I am thankful today that I have a home...a healthy boy...a reliable vehicle...and a God that will never leave me no matter how many times I fail Him...He had me in His hands...He was my protector and He will forever be my provider and my healer!

I speak victory and healing over those who have perhaps questioned their faith in God...I pray that He sends them a peace that only He can give...

God is almighty and omnipotent!!

Mother's Day...

There is no name better than Mommy! I love hearing my little boy call me mommy! He called me Mommy's when he was little.  I take great pride in being a mother.

The church service this morning was great. Brother Tom spoke about the  responsibilities of a mother.  A praying mother...a mother that shows by example...a mother that teachers her children values.  A mother can speak life over her baby before it is even born...There is so much responsibilities that come along with being a mother...and it's the greatest experience in the world.  Brother Tom said this morning, "what could be more exciting than life"?  He hit the nail on the head with that statement.  What could be more amazing than giving birth to a child that has been inside you for 9 months?  The feeling you had when you first saw your little one.  When you first heard your little one say mommy! When your kisses make everything better...when mommy keeps you safe from the ferocious thunderstorm.  When your little one runs to you when you pick him up from the daycare screaming "that's my mommy"!  Holding your child in your arms.  Having their eyes look up at you and think that their mommy is perfect! I honestly do not think I could ever find anything that tops being a mother.  It is the ultimate calling in life!

I had a great day today with my family and I also got a message from the father of my child wishing me a happy mother's day.

My mother's day was complete and I learned today, that I can show my little boy how to live for Christ and not just speak the word!

Finally...

I went to box this evening and I was able to take my little toot with me.  I have not boxed in over 4 years and let me tell you...I kicked my tail!! But I feel GREAT...and I feel as my life is finally moving forward and I am beginning to feel like my old self again!

It's a phenomenal feeling when you are able to LIVE after letting go of something that was holding you back...even though that something has your heart!

Thank you God for your peace and comfort...thank you that I am able to trust you and know without a shadow of doubt...that you hold me in your hands and you hear the cries of my heart!!!

God is Good!

My next 30 years...

One month from today, I will be 30!! I really don't mind the thought of turning 30 but I did set myself some goals for the next 30 days.  I have accomplished a lot over the past 30 years...I attempted my dream after almost waiting too late.  I have so much to look forward to over the next 30 years...I have a little boy that I will get to enjoy my life with and make more memories with.  I also have goals that I would like to achieve and not wait until it's almost too late.  I want to do them now.

I started tonight by working out again.  I passion of mine that I had given up.  I was addicted.  I guess that's one thing that is good to get addicted to at this time.  I attended a Zumba class tonight and BOY did it bring back some memories from the clubs...but this time, I was sober and had a BLAST! I am glad that I am able to do two things I love at the same time, work out and dance!  I Love to dance but there is no where to dance besides bars and I DO NOT want to go to a bar.

That is one of my top goals is getting back in my old routine of working out.  It's hard being a single mom to find schedule to put all your heart and soul into working out and getting in the best shape of your life...in 30 days!! But, I did it once (without a little boy) and I can do it again!!

30...here I come!!!

3 wonderful years...

Kendall Beck

My baby just turned 3...I can not believe how the time has flown by...I have enjoyed watching him grow and learn about life...

I get tears in my eyes every time I watch him play...his innocence amazes me...God's word speaks about innocence and I see what he means when I watch my little boy...

I could not have asked for a better little boy...God knew what I needed and he blessed me with a miracle!

Kendall is smart...
Kendall loves his mommy...
He has so many that truly care about him...
He LOVES country...
He will pray before his meals...
When we pray at night...after mommy says amen...Kendall says he wants to pray for "my daddy" (sweet) God hears even a 3 year old's heart...and I believe God will honor Kendall's prayer!

Kendall is like his mommy....he loves big trucks...he loves mud...he loves music...of all kinds but mostly country!

He is affectionate! He loves to hug and hold hands and give his mommy kisses!

He has been such a blessing to me and I cherish every single day with him...I love looking into his BIG brown eyes...he melts my heart!

I look forward to many great memories with my little boy...he will always be my baby...and I will always love him to the moon and back...

Thank you God for such a wonderful blessing...

Saddle up your dreams baby boy!!

Always remember to trust in the Lord with ALL your heart!!

Seek first HIS kingdom...

Know that all things work for the good of those that Love God!

Bind His word in your heart!

Forever praise Him!!

Love Him...Serve Him...Seek Him...Trust Him...Praise Him...Obey Him!!

Happy Birthday Baby Boy...Mommy loves you with all her of heart!!

Music is life...

I can not explain how much music means to me...every song I hear can take me back in an instant to a particular time and place...some may be good places and others may be places that I never want to visit again as long as I live...

For instance, I Saw God Today-George Straight...came out right when my little boy was born...though he was not the little girl described in the song, he was God! He was my little miracle...no one on this earth knows how lost I was and how far away from God I was...I was a walking dead man...at any moment approaching my grave...far, far, from God.

My little boy saved me...God knew what he was doing when He placed certain people in my life to stick by my side no matter what...though almost everyone that had ever "prayed" with me was no longer around...I still had my God walking with me...

My favorite poem is Footprints...for a period of over a year...God carried me because I was no longer following Him...He had my hand...He was carrying me and He was with me at every bar I went to...He was behind the scenes at the bars...He even brought people into my life at the bars...little did those individuals know...God was using them in a mighty way...My eyes were opened to the "real" world...what goes on behind closed doors...the days of no sleep...going to work still dressed in the clothes I wore the night before with no sleep...not caring for a thing in the world...except when I would be able to enter my "happy" place again...it took it's toll rather quickly...and it approached faster than I ever knew it would...I was there...I was to the point in my life where something had to be done and quick...He brought me to a point in life where he provided me an angel on Earth...my little boy, Kendall.

I would like to say that very day, March 25, 2008 I changed my life and gave everything to God...that I lived everyday devoted to Him...thanking Him for saving my life...but I didn't...and i struggle daily trying to get back to Him...

So, back to my subject...I like to think that since God knows how much I love country music He allows the perfect song to play at just the right time...

On my way to work last week, Hello World came on the radio...

Traffic cars, cell phone calls, top video screams at me
Through my tender window I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands
And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna healI see a light, little hole in the little girl
Well, hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church
It's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in and say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like he is there
Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's thereWell, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world
Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again
I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world, hello world

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world, hello world, hello world

I'm sure I had tears rolling down my face as I pictured myself walking thru my front door...though I don't have my husband or a little girl...I have my angel...my little boy...and I remember why I am here...My front door...my heart...God's knocking...and right now my little boy is my purpose...I no longer have an empty heart because God has allowed a little boy to fill it with joy that words will never describe...He is my life...he is my world...

Now, to get to the last paragraph of that song...to surrender all and truly believe that God will and has provided and will continue to provide for me and my little one...

When I am able to fall to the floor...on my knees...on my face before God...I will be here...

HELLO WORLD...I will say...how've ya been?? Good to see ya again!

O how I love country music....

A Chapter in my Life...

I try to journal thing that happen daily in my life because I like to look back...and thank God for some "unanswered" prayers...or I like to see how at just the right time God stepped in and provided for me...

There are so many things in my life I question...I don't like to believe in coincidences...I believe that God ordains your time and place daily...I know that we can walk away from the will of God though as well...There are so many things that have happened over the last several years of my life I believe were truly God...even though I had walked away from Him...He still had His hand on me and someone was praying for me since my faith had been so weak...

There are days when I feel on top of the world...and then there are days when I think that I have gone too far and won't ever get back what I had with God.

I can not pray like I was once able to pray...I have no words...my heart is hard to certain things...but when certain topics are discussed my heart aches...my emotions run wild...and I can not contain my tears...

I love stories of those that have overcome...those that have been thru the storm...those that thought were too far or those that had been condemned by man...but set free by God!!! When I hear stories of those that God rescued at the lowest point in their life...and then they speak of the journey they made with God to get them to a specific place in their life...when you can do nothing but raise your hands and praise God because only God can set anyone free!

I try to press in...I don't know where to begin or how to get my relationship back with God...but I want nothing more than to be walking down the path that He has chosen for me...

I read in Proverbs tonight about a name...what's in a name...I grew up with a name that many knew...my grandfather as well as my father had been well known around Northeast LA.  I could use my name to open doors that otherwise would have never been open on my own.  My name was respected...A name is something to be proud of...it's where you came from...it's who you are...some names don't come with much honor and children have to overcome that during their childhood...

However...we are all children of God...our name is Him.  It's our responsibility to bring His name honor...the world is watching those that call themselves children of God...what will we do with our name...We will leave a positive impression or will we tarnish the name of Jesus Christ?

Birthdays...birthdays and more birthdays!

I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!! ANYONE'S AND EVERYONE'S BIRTHDAY!!

He was sharing with his Mommy!! This is my baby's 1st birthday!

I THINK BIRTHDAYS ARE SPECIAL...MY FAMILY HAS ALWAYS GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND ON MAKING THE BIRTHDAY PERSON FEEL SPECIAL!

I plan his parties a year in advance...I already know that he is going to have a "Kendall is 4-Score" birthday party and have a baseball theme...or he is going to have an Alien 4 birthday...or a Monster Party...

His 1st birthday theme was Kendall Bug

His little friends were able to decorate a bug box and they used their name to name the bug box and their finger prints to make the bugs!

I have to admit that this has been my favorite party so far...



My friend made this...I think it was PERFECT!

His 2nd party was BUCKS, DUCKS AND TRUCKS...

I do not have pictures from that party on my computer but it was very cute...the cake was a little expensive for a 2 year old's birthday...but I wanted something different...it was 3 tiers...bucks (used deer horns) ducks (used duck feathers) and trucks (had a Ford truck on the top of the cake)

So...this year is KOWBOY KENDALL!

I have already made his invitations and they came out adorable!

I ordered the favors yesterday...

But, I am trying to find him a cute outfit for the party...I don't want him to dress up as a cowboy instead I want him to have a cute cowboy/western/vintage shirt...with some stylish jeans that are boot cut...but no one makes fashionable boy clothes!

I also ordered some personalized M & M's with his picture on them...I hope they are as cute as I have them pictured!

My best friend is also getting married prior to my little boy's party...what an exciting day that will be!!!

I spent hours yesterday trying to get everything ordered for his birthday! I do not like to stress so I want to have everything in advance! I am so excited about his birthday this year!! (except the fact he's growing up too quick!)

I thank God for my little boy...I have been blessed!

Bringing back memories...except this time...I have faith...

Well...my little pumpkin is in the hospital...we are not sure what is wrong with him at this point but almost 2 years ago to this day...we were in the same hospital...two rooms down...but 2 years ago...I was at the lowest point in my life...I had never ever felt so alone...and so lost...I had no faith...I had no one by my side...it was me...and my baby who wasn't even a year old...

I can not put into words how lonely I felt...when the only person I wanted by my side...could not be by my side...and at that point...I could not pray...I had no faith...

But this time...I am not alone...I have surrounded myself by friends and family...and let God back into my life! I am able to trust Him that He is going to take care of my little boy...and even though I'm alone...I'm not really alone...because I know that God is with me!

More update soon...

Be That Spark...

Wow... so many thoughts running thru my head right now... I just watched a tribute to a man I've known my entire life... the man that ordained my brother into ministry... a man I used to think was my brother because in the churches we grew up in...we called everyone brother or sister...

What a tribute...what a man of God and what an impact he has had on so many... souls have been one because of this man...

One of the last statements he said I wrote down...I played the video clip back and forth until I got it right...

He said...

Be the spark that gives LIFE to someone else who's struggling...someone that is hurting - who has no hope in the world...who sees no end to their plight...who has no one to encourage them...Be that friend...but be that SPARK!

He was that...he was a spark...he said he didn't want to be big...he wanted to see others succeed! My dad always taught me that if you help someone else get what they want...you will get what you want.

He didn't mean materialistic things...but treasures...heavenly treasures...ever lasting treasures...

When I competed in Miss LA my platform was Building a Better You... I spoke to young people and I spoke to older people... One thing I would always say...if I could change just one persons life...then I have accomplished my goal! I want to help others... I love helping others...

I know so many people in my life right now that I wish could see themselves thru my eyes...but not only thru my eyes but God's! One person in particular comes to mind...I know that if WHEN God gets a hold of this person... man lives will be changed... God can use those that the world condemns... those that the world has written off... that many see as worthless... those that are called a waste... those that are lost... those that have been thru it all... those that have been before an earthly judge and been convicted a "criminal" the rest of their lives... God can use them... in a powerful way... they will become a spark to those that are lost... those that can not see the light at the end of the tunnel... those who are merely living life with no purpose...

It was an honor to watch this tribute and to hear this man speak of his passion for Christ as he lives his last days here on this earth...

After watching the tribute, it wasn't very hard to get caught in the "I wonder"...

I wonder what people would say about me... I wonder if I have changed any ones life... (for the good)  I know I have changed many lives for the bad... but at one point in my life I had a calling... I know that God still has that calling on my life but I haven't found it... I never knew what it was and I walked away from Him and I struggle daily to get back to Him... I wonder sometimes if I ever will...

This man knows his last days... he was able to spend time with his family... he was able to give hugs to those that have been with him over the past several years as he journeyed his life and built churches for the kingdom of God... He was able to share valuable lessons he has learned thru out life... He knows...

Everyone doesn't get that in life... we don't know our last day... He doesn't know his exact day but he knows it's near... Life can get the best of us sometimes and we can act out... what if we acted out and then we were taken from this earth... we wouldn't have the opportunity to tell those we love how much they mean to us... we wouldn't have the hugs... the emotions... the laughter recalling great memories... we would have the last act we performed before we were taken from this earth.

I try so hard to be kind... to treat others the way I want to be treated but at times it's hard for me... I have been tough my entire life and my friend finally brought it to my attention that maybe I am so tough because I am protecting my very tender heart... and the more I thought about it, the more I began to see what she was saying... I act "mean" "tough" or say hurtful things because I am protecting my heart because it is so tender... those that know me know that I I don't cry... and if I cry... some thing is very wrong or I am very hurt... or extremely mad...

It doesn't take much these days to make me cry... I honestly didn't think one could shed this many tears...

But tonight... I was reminded by someone I have much respect for... someone that has had tremendous impact on my family... that we need to be a SPARK!

I start tonight... by talking with someone that I haven't spoken to in a very long time... I will fall on my face before my God and cry out to Him to come and rescue me and use me as He had intended years ago before I walked away from Him...

I pray that anyone that reads this finds that spark in them... and is able to be the spark in someone else's life...

Tonight...this Godly man was the spark that I needed...

I know that my redeemer lives...

Be that Spark!

I AM WHO I AM...

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY THOUGHTS...

This has absolutely nothing to do with the Super Bowl...it just happens to be Super Bowl Sunday!

I was having problems with my washer today...and I'm sure it's something I could have easily fixed! But I wasn't about to "jack" with something and tear it up beyond repair.  It had a small leak from the backside...I knew it needed to be tightened...nothing major!

And then it started...if I had my "Mr. Fix It" here...I wouldn't have any worries but since "Mr. Fix It" is not here, I have to resort to finding someone to come and help me...if they will...or pay an appliance person to come out and look at something so small...and charge me no less than $100. 

I text my friend who has been thru a lot of what I have...and I told her these are the times I miss "him".  Her response was, "that's normal".  I know that these things are normal...somewhat insignificant to the major things in life...I know this...but sometimes the little things add up and end up being something BIG.  Sort of like a snowball effect (and as I'm tying this I hear the toilet flush...my two year old had an elf and deer in the toilet trying to flush them) YIKES!

As I was texting my friend I told her that God is going to bless us...He's going to send us the Godly man we deserve...my friend and I actually worshipped at the same church years ago...we were "on fire" for God...and in my opinion...we both slowly let the "little" things in our lives and Satan had a field day with our lives.

I then started thinking (and texting) that God is I AM.  GOD SAYS:  I AM YOUR HEALER...I AM YOUR PROVIDER...I AM YOUR SHELTER...I AM YOUR ALL...I AM YOUR FATHER...I AM YOUR PEACE...I AM YOUR JOY...I AM YOUR FUTURE...I AM YOUR HEART...I AM YOUR EYES...I AM YOUR EARS...I AM YOUR FEET...I AM YOUR SON...I AM YOUR DAUGHTER...I AM YOUR LOVER...I AM YOUR DELIVERER...I AM EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED ME TO BE.

Whatever it is that we need at this point in our life...HE IS!

I know someone with cancer:  God says I AM YOUR HEALER!

I know someone that is an addict:  God says I AM YOUR DELIVERER!

I know someone who is struggling financially:  God says I AM YOUR PROVIDER!

I know someone who has lost their family:  God says I AM YOUR FAMILY!

I know someone who has lost their job:  God says I AM YOUR BOSS!

I know someone who thinks they have gone too far:  God says I AM YOUR FORGIVER!

I know someone who is lost:  God says I AM YOUR SALVATION!

I know someone who is all of the above:  God says I AM YOUR ALL!

HE IS...HE WAS...

I AM!

I AM A CHILD OF GOD!

I AM FREE!

I AM HEALED!

I AM SAVED!

I AM FORGIVEN!

I AM BLESSED!

I AM HAPPY!

I AM LOVED!

I AM HIS!

Whatever it is I need...whatever it is you need...whatever anyone needs...

GOD IS!!!!

Gossip...

We all find ourselves at some point...entering into gossip...

During the past 3 years I have realized that the verse Proverbs 26:20 is very true.

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.

Day after day...I would find that individuals were constantly talking about me, the father of my child or my little boy...some was hate...most was false...and it stirred up so much day after day...

I realized that if these individuals would quit with their pointing fingers and throwing stones then maybe the ones that they were beating to death with their words would actually be able to hold their head up...and fight to overcome their past...

I learned that some don't want to end the gossip...they feed off the destruction of others lives...even innocent lives...I can not stand for individuals to "gossip" over the internet...they can't talk to another person face to face or find out if what they are reading is true.

I had people ask me why I didn't get more involved...well for the most part, because I knew it was false information and I didn't want to stoop to their level.  I'm able to hold my head high because I am confident in who I am...If God is for us, then no one can be against us!

I know that thru all of this people have watched my actions and how I handled certain things, people, etc.  I could easily have gossip to feed everyone with...if they really wanted the answers...I could post them for the world to see...if they wanted the truth I could post more for the world to see...

But what I want is to be SEEN...no heard! I want people to see God working in my life...I want them to see that you can overcome without trying to get back at those individuals who hurt you and try to beat you down to nothing.

God's word says those without sin...cast the first stone!!! All those that continued to bad mouth me and those that I loved...didn't know but I could have put them in their place with one post...about everyone of them!  But see, that's why people like to look at others faults or wrongs because they want to take the focus of their lifestyles!!

I love when God proves His people strong!! God is faithful...and there is no need to "fight" with those that are of this world!!

.....

On a different note...

We could have worn shorts yesterday...and tomorrow it could sleet!!! What!!??!!

Welcome to crazy town!

Nothing Ming Boggling...

It was a beautiful day today...sunshine and warm weather...but mother nature thinks she may bring hail or sleet tomorrow...welcome to Louisiana!

Well, it's the end of the first month of a new year! So much has changed since this time last year...SO MUCH! I pray this time next year I am able to see more of God's picture...I know He is guiding me at this time but I'm still so confused with certain issues in my life. It's been a great month though for the most part.  There has been some tears and some hurtful hard decisions I have had to make but it was for the best.

I pray that at the end of February I am able to say that I am drawing closer to God...that I am able to pray again...that I am more involved in church again...living again, laughing again...and enjoying every minute of my life!

My mind has so many thoughts running thru it at this time there is not enough space or time to even begin to start explaining everything...

If anyone reads this, please pray for me.  Pray that I am able to find myslef again...to find my God and to seek Him with all my heart! Leaving no room for satan to move in...but to give my ALL to the one that holds it all in HIS hands!

Next month is February...I consider it the month of LOVE.  I did not enjoy this holiday for the longest part of my life...but even if I'm alone I now enjoy this day!!!

I get knocked down...but I get up again...you're never gonna keep me down!

He sings the songs that remind him
Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him
Of the better times

I'm not sure why this song was in my head this morning but for some reason...it was! It reminded me of the past few years of my life...I got knocked down...time after time after time...but I got back up again...and again and again...

I didn't know how many times I could do it and had it not been for my little boy (and My Rock)...I probably wouldn't have gotten back up.

Sometimes I got knocked down harder than the previous time...and it hurt...very pretty bad! But, I would look in my little boys BIG BROWN eyes and remember my promise to him...I WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU KENDALL!! MOMMY PROMISES THAT TO YOU!

That's what my loving Savior was trying to tell me all along...I will always take care of you...my promises never fail!!! They are always true!

I will not get knocked down again...hopefully later rather than now...but I trust in God to help me get back up...to remain faithful to Him!

LP

What a great ending to a wonderful day!!!!!!

My little boy and I are now proud oweners of a Nissan Murano!!!! We are so excited...

But the most exciting thing about today happened about 10 minutes ago...my little boy poo poo in the potty by himself for the first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You Give & Take Away...

I can't begin to explain what I lost (or what God perhaps took away) this past year...I lost my home...I lost my truck (the motor blew)

I was so blessed in August of 2010 to move into our new home...just me and my little man...Our family was broken but God was restoring us.  My motor blew before we had our home but thankfully my little boy's daddy allowed us to use his truck for 6 months while he attempted to fix mine. Well, I guess six months was too long for him because he came and got his truck from my work leaving me with no vehicle...and no way to leave work to get my little boy from daycare...

Well, my goal for January was to start looking for vehicles...I guess God was telling me it's time to shift gears...

I was so upset...not because I didn't have a ride but because the father of my little boy (the man I gave my heart to) would leave us in the conditions he did. It hurt...I had anger...and sadness...and hate fill my heart once again. I had to remember that God wouldn't allow me and my little one to walk the streets.

My dad left me with his vehicle and I started looking for something to buy.  At this time, I have a 2006 Nissan Murano parked in my carport (of my new home)  It's not mine but if we can get the price right and if carfax doesn't show anything major...then it will be mine and my pumpkins!

I lost so much...some things I probably don't even know about...but God is good!!! God is reminding me how He takes care of those He loves and those that seek Him!!!! He has never failed me...EVER...even when I walked away from Him!!!

God is good...this year is going to be full of many surprises! I know that my life is going to change forever...for the good...this year!!!!

You give and take away. My heart will choose to say. Lord, Blessed be your name

Time...you never get back...

I don't think I pay much attention to what I wrote about yesterday but today I just really starting to think about time...my little boy is about to be 3!!! I missed so much of his life trying to "save" his daddy...and lost something very precious!!!!

Last night before bed, I went in his room and he was playing on his bed...he looked up at me with his big brown eyes and said with the sweetest most sincere voice...you wanna play with me?

Oh my gosh! Of course...but I get lost watching him play...his innocence! It amazes me...this time I should cherish...take it in for all it's worth...I could stare at him all day, when he sleeps...I prefer not to so I can watch him sleep...I can't get over that this little boy is my little boy...I'm his mommy and his daddy and at times it's overwhelming...but then I realized that this is it...I don't get a redo...I (mommy and daddy) have to "bow up" and know that I will never regret spending time with my little boy...I will never regret singing and dancing with him...I will never regret sleeping in mommy's bed with him...I will never regret teaching him how to raise his hands to praise Jesus...I will never regret the little moments when he may mess up and say I'm sowie mommy...The only thing I could regret is never spending time with him!!!

That's with life...with those you love...you don't get moments back...make the most of every minute...

I read somewhere years ago something that I will never forget...So many people wish for Friday's...but as they are wishing...they are wishing their life away because of the moments they are missing Monday thru Friday...each day is what you make it...every day can be a Friday...Your choice!

Time...how do you spend it?

Staying true to your word...

I can read devotionals all day long...I can send encouraging emails, text, etc.  I can also send ugly text, emails, etc.

I can talk about prayer...I can read my bible...but one thing I can't seem to do is pray!!! I haven't been able to pray in a long long time.  I don't know what it is that is keeping me from entering in to God's presence.  One of one time with my Lord and Savior!!! The relationship is lacking on my end!!

I pray that starting from this point forward...I can remember what it's like to have that intimate time with God!

Starting here...starting now!!!

January...nearing the end...

Wow, this year has been wonderful but this week has been a tough week.  I know that God is going to provide for me...I know that God will not let me do without...I know that God is going to help me raise my little boy as I try to be mommy and daddy to him.

I have been able to be in God's house twice during the week and I can not wait until church tomorrow.  I have not been to church on Sunday since 2011.  I am expecting a powerful word from God tomorrow!!!

Today is also my wonderful brother's birthday...and tomorrow we will get to celebrate as a family...everyone together on the Payne side and I can not wait.

I love my family and there is never a moment when we are together that we do not make memories that will never be forgotten!!!

We also went test driving trucks today...at this moment I do not have a working vehicle...my caddy motor is blown and the truck I was driving was taken from me while I was at work...but thank God that my dad has allowed me to use his truck while I look for a new one.

So, if by chance you read this...we could use some prayers!!

I can not wait to update my Sunday!!!

Be blessed...

Trying to see God's Picture...

Well, today the only means of transportation I had was taken from me by the father of my child.  The one who hasn't cared for my little boy...the one who walked out on my little boy...the one who hasn't see my little boy in 6 months (his choice)...left me at work with no ride...took the only car seat I had...no way to get my little boy from daycare...I was VERY mad...but then I remembered one of my goals I set this month...

To start looking for a vehicle...I had already scheduled to have my taxes done next week while I am off work...so, I believe God is helping me reach my goal...just a little quicker than I had planned...

It's so easy to want to get back at "him" because of all the hurtful things he has done to me and most of all to my little boy.  My little boy doesn't really know what all has gone on and I thank God for that...

I just have to learn to trust God...let go of what I want to do and ask myself what would Jesus do...how would he react...and pursue everything after I have prayed about all!

I want to document everything that I go thru daily because I want to look back a year from now and be able to see what God protected me from...and the blessings that came ONCE I let go and gave all to Him.

I am looking forward to this amazing year...I am still believing and trusting that better things have yet to come!!!!

In Jesus Name...

I'm Moving Forward...

I don't know if I should be so open or not but I know that some day I will be able to share my story...to it's fullest...without hiding anything.

I only share few experiences that seem to control me daily...For example, the past...the good times...times that I will never get back and times that I will never have...I think about that daily...I try not to focus on the past because there is nothing I can do about the past...the good the bad...it's there to stay.

I realize and know that I will not move forward if I keep living in the past...to move forward...we must leg go of our past...I can focus so much on the things that I lost...my family...my love...the father of my little boy...and my best friend...I can't get the time I have missed back...no matter how hard I pray...no matter how much I long for some past experiences or memories...I will never get them back...no matter what...

But what I can do is make new memories...realize what I have before me and realize the new life...the new experiences I will be able to live out to their fullest...once I let go of my past! I'm not looking back...I'm moving forward! Let go of the past...it's like a bungee cord....it will let you move forward...but in an instant, it can jerk you back...and leave you in a deeper darker valley than ever before...

My favorite verse is found in Philippians...

 ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

You can always look back to see where you came from...or to remember good memories...but remember the main focus is forward...to continue to become all that Christ has called us to be!!!

Sharing my heart...

One day I believe that my story is going to help someone...it doesn't matter if it's even one person...I want to help anyone who has been or is currently in my shoes.

It's an empty feeling...the unknown...wondering if you are going to get a call that the one you love is no longer here...I have been thru the mourning process emotionally of losing the one that had my heart...and there isn't a day that I don't think of getting the phone call that I dread...

But when I think of the possibility of losing the one I love...I remember that my God is all powerful...He is all knowing...He is all mighty!!! God's word says the prayers of a righteous man avails much...Years ago my brother decided to go back to his old lifestyle...my bestfriend...the one I confided in...the one that I prayed with...was lost...all I could do was pray...I prayed all night and all day...I was on my face before God asking Him to please protect my brother...to keep Him safe...to open His eyes and bring him back to the life He had chosen for him...My brother stayed drunk for almost 30 days straight...I missed school...events...things in my life so I could earnestly pray for my brother...one night I was at a church service and I saw my brother (not literally) but being held by Jesus.  My brother had actually decided to head to Brownsville (where a revival had broken out) and that's where he was when I saw him being held in the arms of our loving Savior...I cried...I wept...I was joyous and I knew that my brother was going to be alright...After I left the church service I got a call from my brother...at the time I saw him being held by Jesus...he truly was. He got baptized that night and turned his life around.

I would like to say that from that point on my brother never looked back but he did...both of us did...this time instead of praying together as brother and sister...we partied together...but you know what has never left my thoughts...this time when my brother was lost...he told me he couldn't feel my prayers...I have never forgotten that and never will...

God hears our cries...He hears our hearts...as we earnestly pray...as we believe and trust in Him...with no doubt...when we trust in Him...there is power! Power in prayer!!!

Never cease to pray!!!!

Words can't explain...

With all of my followers I have...1 and I don't think they even read this...

I think all the time how much I love the father of my little boy and how much he has hurt me.  Daily...I hurt...daily I miss what was taken from me from him...memories I will never get back...my family I no longer have...the daddy my little boy no longer has...how could he do this to someone who stuck by him thru thick and thin...thru the good and bad...and mostly when every one turned their backs...after all the emotional heartache...he seems to continue to find a way to hurt me...but more it hurts me for my little boy...

But then I remember my heavenly father...and how I chose to walk away from Him...after He had given me so much...life...peace...joy...salvation...grace...mercy...promises. ..I continually took small steps that eventually led me away from God and steps that took me to a very dark and lonely place...my heart grew cold...My feelings were numb...I couldn't be phased...But my faithful father never left me...He was holding my hand as I was trying to lead Him with me to the unknown...instead of letting Him lead me into the unknown...I would rather follow Jesus into the unknown...than lead myself into the unknown...God will always remind you of Him! His ways are best...He sees the big pictures...He knows our hearts and our deepest desires...He will never leave us or forsake us....

God is good...I will not walk backwards...I place my hand in His and He leads me on this new journey...praying I find that awesome powerful presence of God once again...

Child Like Faith

I can sit and watch my little boy as he sits and watches Elmo as if it's the most important thing on the Earth...He concentrates so hard as he puts his toys in the bathtub because that is SO important!! His innocence...He thinks his life is perfect...he knows nothing but that his life is perfect! He believes that when Mommy kisses his bobo's they really get better...Mommy will keep him safe from anything...When I pull up in the carport and step out of the truck to open our carport door...as he is strapped inside the truck in his carseat...he doesn't worry...because he trust and knows mommy will be right back...mommy will never leave Kendall...whatever Mommy says is the truth because of his innocence...Mommy knows best...childlike faith...

That's what God's word says...we are to have faith like a child...because kids believe and trust nothing but what they see...innocence! It's such an amazing thing to watch in a child's life and at times it is crushing because one day they will learn...they will learn of lies...they will learn of evil...they will learn that not everyone believes what he does...

No wonder kids can see things we can't...they believe...they have faith in what they have been taught! Kids can see things we can't because we have been open to the world...if we can just be like a child and know and trust in our God as our kids trust in us...if we can have faith in God...knowing that he will make our "bobos" better as soon as His hand touches our lives...He will keep us safe no matter what! God is truth...God stands on His word...His promises will always be fulfilled in our lives...when we have child like Faith...and know our daddy...our savior...will be with us always!!!!

Watch a child...watch the little things in their daily lives that can change the way you think!!

Be open to God!

What an amazing weekend it has been...

So far, 2011 has been fabulous!!! I had a fun filled weekend with quality time spent with my little one.  I worked until late Friday and came home for some arts and crafts!!!

Spent Saturday getting my hair cut and my little boys hair cut...his first in a salon!!! What a big boy!!! I then went wedding dress shopping with one of my best friends...she looked like a princess!!!!

I also went to spend some time with a dear friend of mine who has been thru some of the pain that I have over the past several years.  It's always good to share with someone who has been in your shoes because my story isn't the easiest for some to understand...

Today my little one and I spent time indoors...hoping for snow but we only got ice! I cleaned up his room and took down our Christmas decorations...for some reason that made me sad! I love Christmas!!!

This week is going to be amazing...I claim that and I speak that over my life and over those I love!!!

This is our year!!!! Greater things have yet to come...and greater things are still to be done here!!!

(oh, and I discovered pandora...and Kari Jobe...SIMPLY AMAZING!!!)

Living again...

It feels so good to be able to smile...to really smile...life has been pretty rough the past several years but when I look back...I see my blessings! I have a healthy...beautiful baby boy!!!! He is my life...he is my all!!! I have my health...I finally have a job that I enjoy...helping people!! I absolutely love it!!!


This is my sweet boy...he will be 3!!!



That was our first family picture...

I am expecting great things this year...for me...for my little boy...and for my family!!! I am relying on God...my savior and my Rock!!!

I know I will be able to look back at everything on this blog and see God's fingerprints...see Him guiding me!!!!

Stay tuned...it's gonna be a wonderful year!!!!!!

2011 is here!!!